September

I have been dating a married man for 1 year, 9 months and just about 2 weeks. I love this man and I think he loves me. I have been patient and understanding and pretty much wonderful...if I do say so myself. Two weeks ago, I was ready to walk away. Two months ago, I was ready to walk away. A year ago, I was ready to walk away. Last night, I was ready to walk away. But, I stay.

He told me two weeks ago "things will be different from this day forward". Nothing has been different. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with him. Does he perceive things differently than other people? Does he have multiple personalities? Is he just wishy washy or slightly dilusional? Is this what I have to look forward to on the off chance things work out between us?

Now, he is also wonderful...completely and totally. He calls me "beautiful girl" and he means it. He thinks I am the prettiest girl he has ever met...now, I think most men tell their wife/girlfriend that and mean it in their own way...but he MEANS it. Being with him is pure happiness for me. Doing nothing with him is wonderful. I just love spending time with him. I envision a future with him but it seems too far away, this unreachable dream that consumes my thoughts.

August

As I was loading my 4th load of clothes to take to the new place, the "hot" dad from the pool came to ask me where my boyfriend was? It was awkward...I felt as if I was being accused of lying about having one. I wanted to say...at home having dinner with his wife and kid...but I refrained, thinking that would possibly send the wrong message. He's working, I said, he has a busy week. Hot dad smiled and asked if he could help me with anything...no, I replied...I enjoy doing it alone and having no help and feeling single all the time. What I actually said was...no, this is it for today, thanks for the offer. He asked if I needed help with Jack while I was moving...he was persistent in wanting to help and I don't get it, we have had one conversation.

I tell my boyfriend all the time that dads like me because I am a good mom. He tells me I am ridiculous but he is wrong. Most single dads are looking for a good mom to be their partner. He is not, he already has a partner and has no interest in getting to know my kid and at this point, it is obvious that he will never consider Jack "his". His boys are all that matter and Jack will never be a part of that. I asked him to take Jack to karate on Saturday because I can't and he actually said he was busy hanging out with his son. Slap.. He is watching his 8 year old son for his wife and can't help me also because the boys can't be around each other. It would be funny if it didn't just fucking suck.

Why does some random guy who doesn't even know me want to help me move and hang out with my kid when my boyfriend of almost 2 years is clueless? My boyfriend would probably say it is because hot dad wants to fuck me. Maybe I should have made him work for it, but instead of playing games or holding back...I gave in to feelings and fell in love. Now I continue to feel like I am settling...hoping for something to change in the future. Hoping that he will all of a sudden make me a priority, include me in his life and start to love my son.

His phone dialed me earlier and I listened for about 10 minutes. Nothing major...just him talking about dinner with his wife and asking what she needed from the store. Slap. It is night 3 of not seeing me and instead of wondering if I might need help with anything or even just wanting to see me...he is home with her having dinner together and waiting for their other kids to come home. But don't worry, he will only live there with her for 5 more months.

The end of June came and went...July came and went...August is half way done. Nothing has changed and yet I just can't walk away. I want to think it will be worth it at some point, but it is looking doubtful.