I'm a bitch

All I do on my blog is bitch and complain but since I am the only one who
reads it, I feel like it is somehow justified and not really hurting anyone. It helps tremendously to get my feelings out but going back and reading is getting tougher and tougher.

I have somehow reached a place where I don't want to give up because I feel like I will have failed and everyone else will be "right" and judging me. I have been here twice before, knowing a relationship isn't right but trying so hard to make it work. I am pathetic and possibly ashamed...I have put so much love and energy into Greg and our relationship but it is not reciprocated, at least not in a way that pushes our relationship forward or makes me a better person. I don't know how to end it but I do know that I have to. I'm dreading him telling me that he's not moving out even though I knew from the moment he said it that it wouldn't happen.

I found an email that I wrote in January 2009 and I could send it today with no edits...nothing has changed. Every time he gets worried about losing me, he does something "dramatic"...I meet Nico, he asks me to move in. Last night he held me and whispered that he loved me and all I could think was that it's not enough and this could be the last time he sleeps in my bed.

We just want different lives and there is no compromise on his part. I'm starting to believe that we are not compatible. He is not an honest person, he isn't even honest with himself.


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Rollercoaster

Just when I was starting to settle down and feel better about my relationship, things are starting to feel "weird" again. The distance in his voice, the lack of response to texts and emails, no "I love you" at the end of conversations. Ugh, it has been awhile since the coaster has dipped down this low. I'm chubby...how does that relate? This is the longest period in our relationship that i have felt good about it. Chubby...and now I don't want to eat and can't sleep.

I imagine a million silly things and wonder if they are the reason he is acting this way. The divorce papers are supposed to be filed this week, I worry he is having second thoughts about it. I worry he is stressing out about the Holidays and not being with his kids in the way he wants to, feeling torn between me and them. I worry that he is getting too used to being with Nico full time and not wanting to move out. I even worry that he still loves her and is "over" me.

I started this weeks ago and I was right...he finally told me he felt pressured because I wanted to spend a Sunday (focus on DAY) with him and I made a silly remark about getting married. I let him out of spending the day with me and told him I was joking about the marriage thing (which I was). Once he felt better, he went back to being "normal" towards me which isn't saying a lot.

I have been dating a married man for 2 years and 5 days and it is fucking boring. I just don't really know how to make it stop. I spent almost 2 years wishing and hoping and dreaming that things would be different. This is who he is, this is what he wants. He recently told me that he can't afford to file for divorce and that he can't afford to move out. I don't even know what he expects me to say to this...probably what I always do...I cry and bitch and then I get over it and say...ok, baby, I love you. You can do whatever you want, I'm not going anywhere, I have no self respect and I believe every word you say. I know you want to be with me and love me so much...that's why you live with your wife, don't spend time with me, don't get to know my kids, don't let me get to know your kids and disappoint me on a pretty much daily basis. Some of our circumstances may change but the bottom line is...this is what I am worth to him and it is not a whole lot.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad