I'm a bitch

All I do on my blog is bitch and complain but since I am the only one who
reads it, I feel like it is somehow justified and not really hurting anyone. It helps tremendously to get my feelings out but going back and reading is getting tougher and tougher.

I have somehow reached a place where I don't want to give up because I feel like I will have failed and everyone else will be "right" and judging me. I have been here twice before, knowing a relationship isn't right but trying so hard to make it work. I am pathetic and possibly ashamed...I have put so much love and energy into Greg and our relationship but it is not reciprocated, at least not in a way that pushes our relationship forward or makes me a better person. I don't know how to end it but I do know that I have to. I'm dreading him telling me that he's not moving out even though I knew from the moment he said it that it wouldn't happen.

I found an email that I wrote in January 2009 and I could send it today with no edits...nothing has changed. Every time he gets worried about losing me, he does something "dramatic"...I meet Nico, he asks me to move in. Last night he held me and whispered that he loved me and all I could think was that it's not enough and this could be the last time he sleeps in my bed.

We just want different lives and there is no compromise on his part. I'm starting to believe that we are not compatible. He is not an honest person, he isn't even honest with himself.


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