Miscommunication x2

I have been dating a married man for seven hundred seventy two days, I realize I could say a little over two years but I enjoy the drama of saying seven hundred seventy two. I am becoming quite the drama queen these days and it may be time to knock it off and put some things into perspective. My boyfriend and I are having a difficult time communicating which has never really been an issue for us.

He is signing a lease on an apartment this week or so he says and we just can't even have a conversation. I am on edge and he seems to be too...this is scary shit for him and I've realized that it is super scary for me too. Our issues have always centered around the fact that he is married, that his wife is crazy and that our loves continue to be completely separate after seven hundred seventy two days. Now, I worry what other issues we will have when we aren't distracted by all that shit...not that I ever see us getting past it.

We had the worst conversation last night, he wasn't understanding me at all and then we both just started talking crazy for lack of a better explanation. I haven't seen him in over a week and was looking forward to seeing him tonight. The key thing here is that I fucking miss him and just want to see him and had been told that I would see him, not happening. I reacted appropriately in my mind but as usual, he didn't understand what the big deal is and went on a tangent that I want him to spend every day with me and cancel all his plans for the week. WHAT??? Actually, all I was upset about is that I don't get to see him tonight and that he doesn't ever really seem to care about when he will see me. He never makes it a priority to see me and I mean NEVER.

The conversation spiraled into him telling me that he doesn't NEED to see me just to see me, that he doesn't want to be a couch potato and that he doesn't want to sit in the same room as me just because we haven't seen each other in a week. Well, buddy, there is the difference between you and me...when I haven't seen you in a week, I would do anything to just sit in the same room as you! This is coming from man who has said, on more than ten occasions, how happy he is that I am a homebody like him, how compatible we are in this way, how much he loves just "being" with me and doing nothing. Was he lying before or has he just gotten bored with me or changed his mind?

I don't give a fuck if he goes to the movies with his friend or if he joins a band...in fact, I would like to point out that I am the one who gave him the lead on the fucking band. I want to be with someone who wants to see me, who wants to come home to me and who makes me a priority in his life. I can't see him when he has his kids which is every other week and then when he doesn't have his kids, he babysits for his wife 3 to 4 nights and can't see me then. So, then when you add in the movie night, a couple band nights and the night he just wants to be alone...I get nothing or a few overnights and then he doesn't understand why I just can't be happy with that and go with the flow.

I understand that I am annoying, I understand that I talk about the same fucking shit every fucking time we talk...but it never changes, never. Two weeks ago, I almost got 3 nights with him but he canceled the third night just to be home on the couch (but he doesn't want to be a couch potato?). Why doesn't he want to be on my couch, or our couch? I have never been a clingy girl and still don't think I am. A clingy girl would not have stayed in a relationship with a married man who lives with his wife, a clingy girl would not stay in a relationship that consisted of texts, short phone calls and 4 to 6 nights a month. I am clingy in his mind because I want to see him after 8 days of not seeing him.

I took the conversation straight over the edge last night when I asked him if he thought we should see other people. I don't even know why I said it...I guess to hurt him and maybe because a part of me just wants to hang out with someone who thinks I am amazing to spend time with or someone who actually wants to see me. Bad move on my part and boy did it piss him off. I hate playing games and although that was not my intention, I have to admit that is what it was. I was so mad and so hurt and I just don't understand where we go from here or why we are even still here.

We love each other so fucking much. I am so attracted to him...his smile, his body, his intellect, his humor. I want it to work, I want a life with him.


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