I'm a bitch

All I do on my blog is bitch and complain but since I am the only one who
reads it, I feel like it is somehow justified and not really hurting anyone. It helps tremendously to get my feelings out but going back and reading is getting tougher and tougher.

I have somehow reached a place where I don't want to give up because I feel like I will have failed and everyone else will be "right" and judging me. I have been here twice before, knowing a relationship isn't right but trying so hard to make it work. I am pathetic and possibly ashamed...I have put so much love and energy into Greg and our relationship but it is not reciprocated, at least not in a way that pushes our relationship forward or makes me a better person. I don't know how to end it but I do know that I have to. I'm dreading him telling me that he's not moving out even though I knew from the moment he said it that it wouldn't happen.

I found an email that I wrote in January 2009 and I could send it today with no edits...nothing has changed. Every time he gets worried about losing me, he does something "dramatic"...I meet Nico, he asks me to move in. Last night he held me and whispered that he loved me and all I could think was that it's not enough and this could be the last time he sleeps in my bed.

We just want different lives and there is no compromise on his part. I'm starting to believe that we are not compatible. He is not an honest person, he isn't even honest with himself.


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Rollercoaster

Just when I was starting to settle down and feel better about my relationship, things are starting to feel "weird" again. The distance in his voice, the lack of response to texts and emails, no "I love you" at the end of conversations. Ugh, it has been awhile since the coaster has dipped down this low. I'm chubby...how does that relate? This is the longest period in our relationship that i have felt good about it. Chubby...and now I don't want to eat and can't sleep.

I imagine a million silly things and wonder if they are the reason he is acting this way. The divorce papers are supposed to be filed this week, I worry he is having second thoughts about it. I worry he is stressing out about the Holidays and not being with his kids in the way he wants to, feeling torn between me and them. I worry that he is getting too used to being with Nico full time and not wanting to move out. I even worry that he still loves her and is "over" me.

I started this weeks ago and I was right...he finally told me he felt pressured because I wanted to spend a Sunday (focus on DAY) with him and I made a silly remark about getting married. I let him out of spending the day with me and told him I was joking about the marriage thing (which I was). Once he felt better, he went back to being "normal" towards me which isn't saying a lot.

I have been dating a married man for 2 years and 5 days and it is fucking boring. I just don't really know how to make it stop. I spent almost 2 years wishing and hoping and dreaming that things would be different. This is who he is, this is what he wants. He recently told me that he can't afford to file for divorce and that he can't afford to move out. I don't even know what he expects me to say to this...probably what I always do...I cry and bitch and then I get over it and say...ok, baby, I love you. You can do whatever you want, I'm not going anywhere, I have no self respect and I believe every word you say. I know you want to be with me and love me so much...that's why you live with your wife, don't spend time with me, don't get to know my kids, don't let me get to know your kids and disappoint me on a pretty much daily basis. Some of our circumstances may change but the bottom line is...this is what I am worth to him and it is not a whole lot.


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Florida x 4

I'm in florida with my boyfriend for the fourth time in the last two years. I love, love his family and I think that most of them love me. But, I feel an awkwardness (real or imagined) around the fact that he is still married and I am still the other woman. His mother always has questions for me about their divorce and recently told me I was stupid for staying with him. His own mother...

His parents have a sheet on their desk with all the kids phone numbers, spouses and grandkids included. Rebecca is still on there and I am not, that hurts my feelings even though I know it shouldn't. Just because I feel like I am around permanently doesn't mean anyone else is so sure about it. On the other side of it, I'm the one who is on the kid picture table and his mom even put my boys on the grandkid table.

"Shit or get off the pot". This is what his sister told him well over a year ago. His lack of getting the divorce proceedings going has made his family (and me) wonder if he ever will actually get one. I think they are afraid that he will stay with her and don't want to burn any bridges there.

I want to be a Pasquariello, that is a definite first for me. I fucking love Greg and that is the first reason...but, I also want to be one because I want his family to be my family...I want his kids to be my family. I want to spend summers at the beach in Florida with the kids. I want my email to be celeta@pasq.net :)


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The "little" boys

For almost two years, I have been anxious to get to know his children, especially the little one. Finally, we have started spending time with our little boys AND I love it. Being a mom is the most rewarding thing in my life and spending time with my son is something I would choose over anything. I was worried that when the boys met, they wouldn't click or maybe even wouldn't like each other. I wondered if after waiting all this time, it would be unnatural to be together with them. We have spent about 98% of our relationship alone.

The other night, they came to pick us up, this was the first time we had done something as simple as ride in a car together. Nico had his DS and Jack had his. iPod. They sat in the back seat playing their games and chatting with each other. At the restaurant, they played their games, squished some dough and ate pizza. It was pure happiness for me, just a normal family night out with our kids. I watched the boys interact just like they would with any other friend, none of the grown up uncomfortableness was there. They have a ton in common, from Star Wars and legos to being a little brother to teenagers to being that kid who is able to hang out with grown ups at a restaurant after bed time for most kids.

This is real progress and what I've been asking for. I wonder what will happen next? Is a happy future actually beginning? The more I get, the more I want...I want to spend every night with him and most days too. I want to think about both little boys. I want to do his laundry and clean up his messes. I even want to smell his stinky farts while we lay in bed, cuddling, watching our shows or talking or having spider solitaire wars. I want to grow old with him and know that I am forever his and he is forever mine.


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October

"Never date a married man"...shouldn't this be a given? Does it even need to be taught or said out loud. I'm pretty sure my Christian school up bringing mentioned it, an affair caused my parents divorce and Sex and the City certainly showed me examples of why it is a bad idea. But so many people do it, me included...and I am not a stupid girl, at least not when it comes to other things. When it comes to men...I need some kind of warning sign hanging around their neck in pink neon writing.

Now, I love my married boyfriend and I believe he loves me...I even believe that things are starting to progress. But, I am tired of being patient and I am especially tired of spending 70% (and that is low balling it) of my time without him. I wish his sign would have said..."here is a good guy who may give you everything you want (someday) but just so you know...it will take him a year to go to mediation, another year in mediation, you won't know his kids for the first 18 months or so and when you celebrate your 2 year anniversary...the divorce papers still won't be filed and he will be living with his wife". At least I would have known what I was getting into and could have decided if this is what I wanted before I fell deeply in love with him.

It is halfway through October and it is my "off" week, I haven't seen my boyfriend in 3 days, I don't know when I will see him and I am super pissy about it. He is sick with a fever and in bed...I can't stop by, I can't bring him anything, I can't help him in any way. It fucking sucks. I hate my every other week relationship, I hate our separate lives, I hate feeling single most of the time, I hate the fact that he lives with her and not with me. He tells me he wants things to be different and I obviously choose to believe him. I wonder if it will take another year to file papers or another year for him to move out...will we celebrate our 5 year anniversary and still not live together?

When I met him my sign would have said "here is a great girl who wants to share a happy life with someone and give you everything you want...and just so you know...she wants to be married (in the next few years) wants an amazing step dad for her son and wants to build a family with someone...she wants to be loved and adored and give back the same". But, he didn't need a sign...I was honest about what I wanted from day one and it has never changed.

September

I have been dating a married man for 1 year, 9 months and just about 2 weeks. I love this man and I think he loves me. I have been patient and understanding and pretty much wonderful...if I do say so myself. Two weeks ago, I was ready to walk away. Two months ago, I was ready to walk away. A year ago, I was ready to walk away. Last night, I was ready to walk away. But, I stay.

He told me two weeks ago "things will be different from this day forward". Nothing has been different. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with him. Does he perceive things differently than other people? Does he have multiple personalities? Is he just wishy washy or slightly dilusional? Is this what I have to look forward to on the off chance things work out between us?

Now, he is also wonderful...completely and totally. He calls me "beautiful girl" and he means it. He thinks I am the prettiest girl he has ever met...now, I think most men tell their wife/girlfriend that and mean it in their own way...but he MEANS it. Being with him is pure happiness for me. Doing nothing with him is wonderful. I just love spending time with him. I envision a future with him but it seems too far away, this unreachable dream that consumes my thoughts.

August

As I was loading my 4th load of clothes to take to the new place, the "hot" dad from the pool came to ask me where my boyfriend was? It was awkward...I felt as if I was being accused of lying about having one. I wanted to say...at home having dinner with his wife and kid...but I refrained, thinking that would possibly send the wrong message. He's working, I said, he has a busy week. Hot dad smiled and asked if he could help me with anything...no, I replied...I enjoy doing it alone and having no help and feeling single all the time. What I actually said was...no, this is it for today, thanks for the offer. He asked if I needed help with Jack while I was moving...he was persistent in wanting to help and I don't get it, we have had one conversation.

I tell my boyfriend all the time that dads like me because I am a good mom. He tells me I am ridiculous but he is wrong. Most single dads are looking for a good mom to be their partner. He is not, he already has a partner and has no interest in getting to know my kid and at this point, it is obvious that he will never consider Jack "his". His boys are all that matter and Jack will never be a part of that. I asked him to take Jack to karate on Saturday because I can't and he actually said he was busy hanging out with his son. Slap.. He is watching his 8 year old son for his wife and can't help me also because the boys can't be around each other. It would be funny if it didn't just fucking suck.

Why does some random guy who doesn't even know me want to help me move and hang out with my kid when my boyfriend of almost 2 years is clueless? My boyfriend would probably say it is because hot dad wants to fuck me. Maybe I should have made him work for it, but instead of playing games or holding back...I gave in to feelings and fell in love. Now I continue to feel like I am settling...hoping for something to change in the future. Hoping that he will all of a sudden make me a priority, include me in his life and start to love my son.

His phone dialed me earlier and I listened for about 10 minutes. Nothing major...just him talking about dinner with his wife and asking what she needed from the store. Slap. It is night 3 of not seeing me and instead of wondering if I might need help with anything or even just wanting to see me...he is home with her having dinner together and waiting for their other kids to come home. But don't worry, he will only live there with her for 5 more months.

The end of June came and went...July came and went...August is half way done. Nothing has changed and yet I just can't walk away. I want to think it will be worth it at some point, but it is looking doubtful.

First ever

I have been dating a married man for one year, six months and roughly twenty days. As I start my blog journey, I am reflecting on what the hell I am thinking at this point. It sounds much worse than it is, he was seperated when we began to see each other with a wife who had moved out more than six months prior. But all this time later, he is not divorced, his wife has moved back home and I am not a real part of his life. I have met his 3 children each once or twice in the entire time we have been together. Actually, it sounds pretty much as bad as it is. At the end of May, I told him that he needed to to file the papers and move out by the end of June or I would walk away.

As the end of June approaches, I wonder what will happen, Will he take care of these things? Will I be able to walk away if he doesn't? I feel like all I do is give him "chances" and wonder what I am getting in return. I know he loves me but have always felt like there was something missing. It is almost like I am not enough in some way, you know the influence you have over someone who adores you. He is too quick to say no to me and too hesitant to make me a part of his life. I am deeply in love with him and want a future with him and his children.